Here is an example of helping in the form of allyship, however inadvertent.
Shane East is now back in LA, returned from Readers Take Denver. He posted a video from his Big Deck immediately on arrival, with a little reflection and invitation:
“Now, how I got my arse from home to the airport and back with all my stuff including a 3ft wide banner was on my trusty Vespa. Strapped and wrapped and ready. People are always surprised when I tell them and often think I can’t possibly fit what I do on there. So in honour of that, what things have you been told you can’t do/make work and you fookin’ went and did it and did, indeed, make it work or more than make it work, made it a success??”
Shane often posts videos asking followers questions like this, that occur to him out of his own, real time experience and observation. When a pair of very old shorts finally died, he asked us what’s in our closets that we refuse to part with. He noticed himself having little outbursts while driving, and asked us about our own road rage. This time he’s calling it his ‘Curiosity for the week’. It makes me happy that we seem to have this in common, as my blog posts also often originate from me wondering about something and then writing to invite you all to wonder about it, too (see Helper post yesterday).
So I wonder whether Shane intended for this post to empower women? He certainly knows that his following is predominantly female, but the vibe of his videos is generally lighthearted and fun rather than overt advocacy of any kind. That said, comments immediately arrived showing in no uncertain terms what his women followers have had to overcome to get what they want in life. They were told they could not do sports, join or survive military service, go back to school, have successful marriages and families, much less while working, and myriad other random ‘you can’t’s. Two that came up for me were playing volleyball well at 5’2″, and doing primary care and loving it. I still roll my eyes at these today.
He was told he couldn’t/shouldn’t carry all the things on his Vespa. He knew better. He exercised his own judgment and agency and proved others wrong. And as usual, he turned that awareness outward, offering us all a chance to reflect on our own agency and self-efficacy, despite the naysayers. Phrases that emerged in the comments included, “Watch me,” and, “I’ve never looked back.” I tell the story that writing these brief comments, recalling the struggles overcome, boosted our sense of accomplishment and pride–gave us a little hit of serotonin. I might have sat up a little straighter or curled my lip a little as I typed my response. I imagine all of us standing a little taller in our resilience and independence, with gumption, just considering his question–an effect that, if repeated, informs our presence in greater society. In this way, I see his post as a man using his platform to empower us women, with our own strengths. To top it off, he has responded to just about every comment with words of affirmation and validation, which tells me he cares. He is an ally by nature, and he manifests it by simply being who he is. What a treasure; I’m so proud to call myself a follower.
So what is up with the naysaying, anyway? Simply, we all do it. It’s our own fears, limiting assumptions, and biases that we project onto others (and ourselves). It’s human, and we don’t have to judge it. We can simply accept that it is likely inevitable in most scenarios. That may seem defeatist, but it’s actually empowering in itself. If I understand that your discouragement is about you, not about me, then I am free to *respectfully* ignore it. I can choose to engage in disagreement and debate or politely excuse myself and get on with it. Of course it’s a different story if you actually stand in my way, but if not, then I am less affected by your negativity; I can brush it off, let it go. Neutral awareness and acceptance are my Teflon. At the same time, however, in advanced human connection practice, I can also query your warning and rationale for any nuance and benefit to my perspective. That is an exercise in maturity and strategy, among other things.
So Shane, in his ever cheerful, observant, and curious way, empowers us women simply by asking open, honest questions that help us remember and reinforce our own strengths and ablities. And what I love most about these posts (both his and mine) is that I only came to these conclusions while writing my morning pages today, Day 103. I revised my morning routine after his suggestion in yet another video on January 3. He helps me in so many ways, and I could not be more grateful. Thank you, Shane!
Healing Through Connection 