This is how life coaches are trained to see their clients, first and foremost–or at least I know it’s how Christine sees me. She tells me all the time.
In a coach-client relationship, this fundamental framework sets the stage for the client’s strengths to shine, even as they struggle mightily with themselves, their circumstances, and those around them. By making this commitment of attitude, the coach positions herself to call forth the client’s highest and best self, and for the client to answer with authenticity, confidence, and agency. The client’s fundamental need for psychological safety in this intimate relationship is satisfied up front and without question, immediately creating space for honest, vulnerable work.
What if we all saw one another this way? What if we at least practiced more awareness of our default opinions, narratives, assumptions, and expectations of ourselves and other people?
As physicians counseling for habit change, as parents guiding behavior and skills development, as leaders coordinating team collaboration and working for collective goals–how often do we look down at those around us, seeing first their flaws, deficiencies, and pathologies? How often with spouses, bosses, coworkers, siblings, neighbors, and people of other races, classes, genders, sexualities, and professions?
Who do we see first as admirable, worthy of respect and reverence? How do we show up differently to these people, compared to others? And how does this impact–no, incite, inspire, or create—how they show up to us?Don’t you find that a person’s vibe precedes them when they approach you?You feel it in your body, no?Our species could not survive, evolve, and dominate without this instinctive, innate sense.How much more could we accomplish, how much more potential could we realize, if we all approached one another with the sincere intention to bring out one another’s best?Or if we each just did it a little more often?
It’s humbling to notice what negative assumptions and narratives I tell about people, and how blind it makes me to their gifts, talents, and contributions. But the moment I can let go these mental chains,I’m free, and I free them, from these unspoken yet deeply held limitations on possibility. If I can choose more often to hold people first and foremost as Creative, Resourceful, and Whole, I know at least my own life will be much better, because I will show up to people joyful and curious.And I bet I can make a much bigger, lighter, and more loving impact in everything I do.
I can just see every writing teacher cringing to see ‘Be’ as my verb in this action mantra.
I just cannot think of a better way to express this fundamental admonition. It’s like the cheer we all know from high school—instead of ‘aggressive’, it’s, “R. E-S. P-E-C-T-F-U-L. Be. Respectful. B-E Respectful!” Ha, the two words even have the same number of letters so the rhythm transposes perfectly. Hmmm, maybe we can start a movement from the sidelines here.
In the grocery check-out line. At the Target returns desk. On the phone with customer service. Driving. With your in-laws, your coworkers, your spouse, your children, your direct reports, the building custodian. With your kids’ teachers. With elected officials. With people who disagree with you on issues that matter deeply to you. With the person aggressively disrespecting you to your face. With the authoritarian police officer using excessive force, the boss acting out of sheer prejudice, even malice. With the militant supremacist throwing rocks and spitting at you.
Why be respectful? Because it’s the best way to show that you see the other person as also human, equal in worth to yourself, even if they don’t feel or think the same about you. They may say they do—don’t we all say it? It’s not socially acceptable to say out loud that we think someone is beneath us—at least not in public, or ‘polite society.’ Is there actually even such a thing anymore, polite society? Every year it seems easier for people to demean one another out loud, viciously, violently, in public, with no politeness whatsoever, and no consequences. I think every one of us needs to query ourselves truthfully about how much we really value and believe in equality, and get honest about where we don’t: Own it. Stand up and accountable for it.
But if we are sincerely convinced that we see all humans as equally valuable, that we harbor no occult supremacist ideals, then the least we can do is be respectful toward one another in all of our interactions. It may even serve as a prophylactic, keeping us from speaking or acting on our latent negative biases, if we simply commit to practicing respectfulness.
Disrespect is the first arrogant step down the slippery slope of dehumanization, and that descent leads straight to relationship hell.
What kind culture do you wish to perpetuate? What specific actions, policies, behaviors, and outcomes would it manifest?
I learned the term ‘cultural perpetuity’ this past week, from a thought-provoking article on how Maslow’s Hierarchy was influenced by and also misrepresented Blackfeet Nation teachings:
Self-actualization. Where Maslow’s hierarchy ends with self-actualization, the Blackfoot model begins here. In their view, we are each born into the world as a spark of divinity, with a great purpose embedded in us. That means that we arrive on earth self-actualized.
Belonging. After we’re born, imbued with a divine purpose, the tribe is there to love and care for us.
Basic Needs & Safety. While in Maslow’s model, we find love and belonging only after attending to our basic needs and safety, the Blackfoot model describes that our tribe or community is the means through which we are fed, housed, clothed, and protected. The tribe knows how to survive on the land and uses that knowledge and skill to care for us.
Community Actualization. In tending to our basic needs and safety, the tribe equips us to manifest our sacred purpose, designing a model of education that supports us in expressing our gifts. Community actualization describes the Blackfoot goal that each member of the tribe manifest their purpose and have their basic needs met.
Cultural Perpetuity. Each member of the tribe will one day be gone. So passing on their knowledge of how to achieve community actualization and harmony with the land and other peoples gives rise to an endurance of the Blackfoot way of life, or cultural perpetuity.
I also listened this week to the Building an Anti-Racist Workplace episode of Adam Grant’s podcast WorkLife. It’s an insightful, enlightening, and empowering interview with John Amaechi, whose work I will now explore further. In their discussion on allyship, Amaechi points out that we upstand against racism and sexism not just to help our individual friends or coworkers, but because we uphold certain core values. Thus, we speak and stand up to defend and disseminate a certain culture—to perpetuate it:
Adam Grant (21:43): I wanna talk a little bit about sort of the- the ally perspective here. Just thinking about my own failures in anti-racism and other people who I know, recognize the problems and care about the problems, but haven’t done much about them, I keep coming back to this literature on psychological standing.That sense that, you know, it’s- it’s not my place, it’s not legitimate for me to speak up because I’m white. What are your thoughts on overcoming it and getting those people who are by-standing for those kinds of reasons on board?
John Amaechi (22:13): There’s a couple of things that I’m trying to do. One of them is to stop the alignment of allyship with black people as individuals and start the alignment of allyship with their own principles or with their organization’s values. So racism is an incivility. Sexism is an incivility. I do not require sisters nor a mother, nor a wife to be against sexism and misogyny because it is an incivility. If I’d intervene on something that’s racist, it’s not on my behalf or another one of my black colleagues. It’s because it’s an incivility against the values that people say they share. Today it’s not about an individual. It’s about standing up for your values and understand that you don’t need to have a black person in your team for that to be important because the presence of a black person has never been required for racism to occur. The presence of a woman has never been required for sexism to occur. As men, we know that the absence of woman reveals sexism and misogyny.
What culture do you lead?
In my role as interim clinical director of a small practice, I see myself as a steward. My best contribution to most places I inhabit is to highlight and foster relationship and connection. At work, this manifests as effective teamwork, high engagement, and positive morale. Last year as we recruited for a new medical assistant (MA), I got to listen on the phone as our current MAs interviewed a candidate. Through my own questioning, the candidate’s responses were short and sedate. Then each MA on the team met with her, describing with energy and conviction how they live out our core values of collaboration and accountability, as well as our mission of providing compassionate, holistic patient care. With each encounter, I heard the candidate’s responses lengthen and deepen. I heard her own energy and engagement rise to match that of the team. It was one of my proudest moments as director—I could see (hear) and feel how far our culture of connection has come, and how it could persist after I pass the baton to the next director.
What is the dominant (perpetual) culture in America?
Do not underestimate the complexity of this question, and its profound implications. The first answer is, of course, it depends whom you ask.
For far too many, the dominant American culture is white male supremacy. For the past year, I myself find it inescapable. Increasingly, every time I consider what to post to this blog, or jeez, every day and in almost every domain, the primacy of white men pervades my consciousness like smog on a hot, humid day. Let me be clear: White men are not each and all bad; I do not assume every one is a racist sexist, even the actual assholes. But whenever American systems are examined, we find that they are primarily designed, favored, empowered, and perpetuated by and for white males—it’s baked into our societal structures, hence the terms ‘systemic’ and ‘structural’ racism and sexism. If you are a white male, it may be hard for you to see the barriers that have not impeded your life journey (Amaechi discusses this in the podcast as well). You may have answered that dominant American culture is one of success with hard work, of equal opportunity, and of individual freedom. Of course that is a culture we’d all love to perpetuate. How could we achieve it for everybody?
What culture do you work to perpetuate?
I think it’s about the values and commitments we hold highest and manifest most in our daily activities. What do our daily encounters say about our priorities? What do we want more of, and thus work for every day, for ourselves, our friends, our colleagues, patients, parents, and children? I want mutual respect and unqualified acceptance. I want sincere valuation of diversity and real, wholehearted inclusion and integration of that diversity—of thought, experience, wisdom, and perspective—into a coherent, synergistic mosaic of strengths, engaged in service of elevating every individual to their highest potential. I want to perpetuate a learning culture, one that operates with a growth mindset, founded on kindness, generosity, humility, curiosity, and resilience.
None of this happens automatically; even well-established gardens of inclusive culture require regular tending. I have to renew my commitment every day, in every encounter. I fall down regularly. And I give thanks every day for loving companions who help me up. I try also to appreciate the challengers, to see them as allies rather than enemies or hindrances. That is walking my talk, no? To value those whose goals and values don’t align with my own, to find a place for them—for everybody—in my world? I’m strengthening my practice of self-assessment. How did I walk the talk today? How can I do even better tomorrow? The more concrete and specific, the better—words, actions, and attitudes. It’s my own version of “trudging the road of happy destiny.”
On that note, I leave you with two more resources that hold me up this weekend:
First, Hank Azaria’s conversation with Dax Shepard and Monica Padman on the Armchair Expert podcast. They discuss addiction, privilege, and racism, among other things. What an inspiring example of vulnerability, courage, humility, connection, and lifelong learning and growth.
