Category Archives: stress management

On What You Can Do

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img_4564NaBloPoMo 2016, Letters to Patients, Day 12

To Patients Wondering What to Do:

Take this Wise Lady’s advice.

I had an inspiring conversation this week, one that lifted me up, which I sorely needed.

This incredible woman grew up in the era before women could have credit cards in their own names, before women could play organized sports, and before spousal rape was finally outlawed.  She survived brain tumor surgery and the death of her son.  She has attained advanced education, acquired innovative skills, built and sold a business.  Throughout it all she seems to have thrived.

I queried her response to adversity.  Was she born wired for resilience?  Did she acquire such effective coping skills simply by experience?  She referenced the teachings of her father.  Through her childhood, she said, he taught her to how to face difficulties.  Before she went off to college her dad had a specific talk with her:  “Here’s how you deal with problems,” he said.  “When faced with a problem, first ask yourself, ‘what can I do?’”  Not what should I do, what do others expect me to do, what would s/he/they do.  “What can I do?”  “If you can’t figure it out right away, stop.  Go outside, take a walk.  Come back and ask again, ‘What can I do?’”

Wise Lady said this one strategy got her through myriad struggles and crises in life, and she taught it to her kids the way her dad taught her.  But life flung faster, sharper arrows her way, and she had to develop additional coping tactics.  Seeking a path to clarity through the mires of crisis, she began asking herself, “What do I need to get rid of?”  And that has made all the difference since.

I will tell you, Wise Lady has a serenity about her countenance that I meet only occasionally anymore.  She has racked miles on her soul, yet I sense no cynicism or regret.  I so want to be like her!

From now on I will ask myself more often,

“What can I do?” and

“What do I need to get rid of?”

 

On the Second Arrow

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wound-man

NaBloPoMo 2016, Letters to Patients, Day 11

To Patients Who Suffer:

Which arrow causes you more pain, the first or the second?

Fellow blogger Michelle at The Green Study recently posted a piece in which she distinguished between pain and suffering.  It reminded me of a Buddhist teaching that inspires and humbles me.  Blogger and curator extraordinaire Maria Popova quotes it in this article she wrote last year, on a book by Tara Brach:

The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” The student replied, “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” The student replied again, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.”

The first step to suffering less is cultivating awareness of the second arrow.  This takes practice, and we must resist the self-judgment that comes the moment we realize we have not only shot ourselves again, but have been twisting that second arrow deeper and deeper.  This shame and self-revulsion is, after all, another drop of poison on the second arrow’s tip.  Instead, I like to apply Ben Zander’s acclamation when he finds himself or his students doing something ‘wrong’: “How fascinating!”  Look what I did!  No judgment, just lighthearted observation.

The second step to suffering less is, of course, to avoid the second arrow.  Once we notice, learn how to remove it and tend the wound.  Breathe deeply.  Identify the sources of anger, fear, resentment, blame, contempt, shame, despair, anxiety, bitterness, envy.  Breathe again.  Loosen our desperate grip on these feelings.  Hold them more loosely, ever more loosely.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Hold also the Space, emotional, cognitive, and temporal, for them the move through and exit us.

Eventually, breathing, we can let go the negativity, pull the arrow out.  Breathe.  When assailed by another first arrow, see the second arrow coming and sidestep.  Breathe.  Keep breathing.  Practice self-compassion and forgiveness.

Life will continue hurling arrows at us.  Some will miss, others will land in our most vulnerable spots.  Mindfulness practice, centered in attention to the breath, helps us evade the wounds and anguish from our own second arrows.  The data, accumulated over the past four decades, is all but irrefutable for the benefits of mindfulness for depression, anxiety, chronic pain, burnout, and overall well-being.  Prolonged practice even changes the physical structure of the brain, and it’s never too late to learn.

If you’d like to learn more, I have included a few more links below.  You may find it worthwhile to invest in the practice.  Be patient with yourself.  And let me know how it goes!

http://www.wildmind.org/texts/the-arrow

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-bernstein/dont-shoot-the-second-arr_b_5102701.html

http://www.nscblog.com/miscellaneous/avoiding-the-second-arrow/

 

 

On Setting Intentions

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NaBloPoMo 2016, Letters to Patients, Day 9

To Patients Seeking Bearing and Beacons

Set your intentions for the day.

In the aftermath of the election…  I feel an intense need to self-soothe and focus.

A wise friend recently introduced me to a morning practice that has impacted my days in wonderfully tangible ways.  He describes a 5×5 grid which he pencils in his journal each morning.  He fills each box with a word that he wants to hold in intention for the day.  For each word, he meditates on its meaning, then what it would feel like.  Then he meditates to feel it and live it already.  Throughout the day he then recalls the words and their sensations.  He started with a 2×2 grid (four words), then gradually increased it to 5×5.

I have had 9 (now 10) presentations to prepare between mid-August and the end of this month.  My practice continues to grow.  The kids’ schedules and activities multiply proportional to their heights.  Learning this anchoring method from him has been a Godsend for focus and grounding, and I am so grateful.

I started with 3 words, and have practiced inconsistently (this appears to be a pattern for me).  But each day that I take time to determine the words and sit with them a while, I notice a remarkable steadiness throughout the day.

Patience.  Compassion.  Focus.  Love.  Empathy.  Ease.  Generosity.  Equanimity.  Joy.  Fun.  Peace.  Forgiveness.  More Love.  Connected.  Center.  Openness.  Curiosity.  Engage.  Movement.  Lightness.  Ground.  Calm.  Acceptance.  Non-judgment.  Happy.

It’s really amazing:  Just a few minutes in the morning are all it takes to frame my mind and resolve my heart.  I feel steadfast as I walk out the door.  I go about my day and forget.  Then, in those unfocused moments, the words rise to conscious awareness and I remember, reset, and re-center.

Maybe you’re feeling a little unsteady now, also?  Give the Word Intention practice a try.  It can’t hurt.  It costs a few minutes of time.  You can start with one word.  You can write it on your hand.  There is no such thing as cheating, only seeking and centering.

Best wishes and peace to you.