Category Archives: writing

Loving Lessons from Saint by Sierra Simone

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My dear friends, thank you for tolerating the continuous gushing about my romance immersion, 12 months now and still going strong! This post is about more than just the smut, I promise.

Disclosure: Spoilers!

My review of Saint by Sierra Simone on Goodreads (MM = male/male):

“Only my second MM romance. Captivating. So empathically and compassionately written, descriptions of the intrinsic experiences of mental illness, moral conflict, honest self-exploration and accountability open listeners’ minds and hearts to the depth of our fellow humans’ emotional, spiritual, and relational lives–with self as well as others. Sierra Simone‘s voluminous and passionate love of and attention to history shine so brightly, and her writing is both utterly sophisticated and completely relatable. Again, as in Sinner, social commentary is rendered gently, if clearly. This book could be read/heard and thoroughly enjoyed simply as sexy, contemporary romance. And with just a little more contemplation, its meaning and impact become so clearly and importantly much, much more.
Jacob Morgan‘s and Sean Crisden‘s performances move and resonate. Morgan’s accents bring us to Belgium and France with vocal ease. The narrators’ expert acting proves that voice alone is enough to convey all we need to know and feel another’s experience.”

OK SO: Sierra Simone. O.M.G, a QUEEN of language and expression, holy cow! Of all the romance authors whose work I have now consumed (and there are so many more, I will not know them all in this lifetime), her voice stands out, rich and vibrant. “…utterly sophistocated and completely relatable”–maybe I aspire to be so, hence my zealous admiration–because while I cannot think of better words to decribe her work, I know she can.

I have now listened to all three full length novels in the Priest Collection and I highly recommend them all. Jacob Morgan narrates with others, and his voice acting is simply superb, so honest and real. Inspired to listen by the Facebook Shaneiaks group live chat with Sierra and Shane East, once again I cannot thank this community enough for broadening my exposure, experience, and insights from fiction! Sierra is known for her explicitly erotic writing, and she describes in the chat how she came to commit, BOOBS OUT you might say, to writing spicy (‘ghost pepper’ level) romance for her own creative fulfillment. It so happens that doing this resonates deeply with readers and listeners everywhere–such a shining example of the far-reaching ripple benefits of open and audacious authenticity. I was moved to tears by Sinner and to deep thought by Saint, to the point of ordering the latter in print to annotate–only the second print romance I own so far.

The thoughts and feelings evoked by these stories almost escape verbalization. Journaling to untangle it all, I could only list the broad topics approached, addressed, probed, and articulated, individually and all intersecting: Racism. Religion. Spirituality. Grief. Blame. Conflict. Paradox. Love. Lust. Intimacy. Self-delusion. Fear. Shame. Communion. Self-love. Self-compassion. Honesty. Reconciliation. Peace. Commitment. Flexibility. AND. Reformation. Relationship, omg: Parental. Fraternal. Platonic. Romantic. Intimate. Carnal. Spiritual. Intellectual. Multidimensional. Eternal. It’s all an intense, existential jumble, yet conveyed wholly and elegantly in a couple hundred pages of writing, through only dialogue and narrative. Amazing.

The Catholic Church. Simone notes at the beginning of Priest: “I spent the majority of my life in the Catholic faith, and while I’m no longer Catholic, I still have the utmost affection and respect for the Catholic Church… That being said, this novel is about a Catholic priest falling in love. There is sex, more sex, and definitely some blasphemy. (The fun kind).” Her attitude toward the church is respectful, even reverent, as she clearly acknowledges its flaws and failures. Her criticism is loving, never disparaging or rude. How would our world be altered if more of us could take this approach to change and justice?

I think I liked Saint in particular because of the courageous and difficult journey Aiden takes toward integration–to know that he may carve a unique and unprecedented path to being wholly devoted to God without sacrificing any part of himself. I wanted so much for him to embrace that infinity loop of polarity navigation–self-acceptance and independence from dogma and wholehearted communal spiritual participation. Simone’s portayal of church leaders, always local and in personal relationship with the heroes, is so empathetic–they exemplify the ideal spiritual leaders and pastors–helping people through their personal conflicts and crises with love, compassion, humility, and non-judgment.

Characters on journeys to becoming their whole selves, loving each other in the process, helping each other self-actualize–is that what moves me? Isn’t that what heals? In the context of a social structure that has so much of its own paradox–such profound benefits of faith and community and also radically high risk for severe dysfunction, omg… Is there an institution other than religion, that harbors such gaping potential for both healing and harm?

Simone shows how to maintain a loving, open perspective, accepting both poles of the Church, by writing how three brothers in one family react to the same trauma (sister sexually assaulted by priest, later dying by suicide)… Her books do not generalize, dehumanize, demonize, or judge anyone or anything in broad strokes. She does not throw anyone or anything away, nor does she dismiss, excuse, minimize, or deflect. The novels don’t necessarily explore deeply–or I should say explicitly? They are not political or sociological commentary at their core. But through the characters’ struggles and stories, we get to consider myriad gray areas and dig, if we wish, patiently and lovingly, into deeper meaning, both collective and individual, shared and private. The characters’ relationships bridge diversity of race, gender, sexuality, and other aspects of humanity; their moments of epiphany, empathy, and connection emerge in gentle starkness, drawing readers/listeners into vicarious, second hand emotional education.

The ancillary characters all play important roles–obvious and blatant in message–necessarily. They remind me of my own role as physician: I get to observe you, my patient, and your life, as a third party. I am not in your life with you, for the most part. I get to stand and walk next to you when you come to me; I witness. I can know you, and you get to control (much of) that. I can only pry so much; you can choose to withhold. And I may still, if I pay attention, see you. Because our relationship is low-stakes and imbalanced (my role is only to survey and advise, much like the mentors, teachers, and pastors in these stories), I have the freedom to speak frankly, objectively, and lovingly… You may receive my advice more openly than from loved ones because of my credentials and the nature of our relationship. What a fascinating and meaningful privilege.

I wonder how people reject these stories–what do they object to, what are the emotions, triggers, rationalizations, and other factors? To me, these stories can be taken as lessons in honesty. Maybe that’s why I love them so much, because honesty is important to me, and barriers to honesty and self-relection can be formidable in the context of such strong, dogmatic social norms as in the Catholic Church, so heavily steeped in ritual, tradition, and institutionalization. Maybe I see these stories as exemplary works for culture change–fiction as vehicle for social movement–duh-HA! Does anyone expect that from romance? It’s unexpected and, I think, deliciously subversive. Such artful integration, BRAVA. More, please.

God bless Sierra Simone and authors everywhere and in all times, who make us think, feel, and connect, to be and do better.

Trust and Adjust

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Friends, I am a master procrastinator! What about you?

Since at least high school, my writing is almost always done at the last minute. Term papers, college and med school application essays, blog posts, it’s all the same. There’s usually a sense of thrill and anticipation, a fun challenge, as well as some self-judgment for having to ‘cram.’ And while the product was usually pretty good, I often wondered how much better it could be if I gave myself more time to edit and revise. So for NaBloPoMo 2022 I completed posts 2-3 days in advance, scheduling them to ‘drop’. I edited most pieces in the interim, but not significantly–mostly choosing a different word or tightening a sentence here or there. That was validating.

This works fine when the deadlines are soft–meaning I’m accountable only to myself, and only for fun. And I have never had to ask for an extension in class or missed an important application deadline, so I’m probably still fine, right? I recently attended a writing workshop where I thought I had to present an entire book proposal for critique, and I managed to sit Butt In Chair in enough time to complete a first draft without pulling any all-nighters (I’ve only ever stayed up all night to finish a Percy Jackson book in adulthood). Writing Buddy was impressed, commenting, “When you get your bottom in the seat, you get sh*t done!” It did help that I was in the mountains, with maybe 10% of the usual distractions.

But if a miracle happens and I actually get a chance to publish a whole book, that will be next level–how do I know my baseline method will be good enough? Will these 8 years of blogging have been good practice? For the most part I have kept up with weekly posts, plus the 30 day challenge every November. I worry that I will either run out of ideas, or I’ll fail to write them coherently enough. But I worry most that I will not have the discipline to finish what I say I want to start. What evidence have I for this fear?

Most of my childhood friends started piano lessons early in life. I hesitated–all that practice… MaBa warned me what kind of investment it would be for them, and after considering for two years I finally committed. At that time there were two music stores at Southglenn mall, and we went back and forth between them one weekend, listening to the Yamaha upright at one and the Kawai upright at the other. It was clear to me from the start that the Kawai was the superior instrument; I advocated patiently and firmly, and won my case. I played with enthusiasm well into high school–not expertly, but enough to really grow some musical neural networks that enrich my life. It’s a form of stress relief, then and now. Today I own a Kawai baby grand, and Son and Daughter both play with similar satisfaction.

Over my life I have committed to and sustained practice in classical Chinese dance and painting, public speaking, volleyball, medical training, practice, and leadership, washi tape art, physical fitness, and now sourdough baking. And blogging… with the idea of writing a book… eventually. When I started HTC in 2015 I never imagined it would last 8+ years. I thought I had a book in me then, but apparently not yet. “You don’t do anything half-ass,” Friend observed to me recently. Well, not anything I care about, anyway. And here I still am, 532 blog posts later and no book. Procrastinate much? I’m much closer now than ever, though, like litera(ri)lly on the threshold. It’s just taken this long, for all the reasons, and it’s okay. I’m having fun, practicing, processing, progressing, connecting, …winding up.

Friend texted me this week to inquire about and encourage my book writing; it was so loving and I felt buoyed. My reply:

Thank you so much my dear friend!! 🙏🏼🥰💗🌟
Writing itself is going well!! 💃🏻🎉🥳 …though none of it is actually proposal work, per se 🤪 I did go really BOOBS OUT on the blog over the weekend—gearing up to pour into the book—kinda like rubbing stocking feet on carpet in order to shock the next thing I touch! 😄 So I’m feeling overall good, trying to balance the organic unfolding with the intentional effort, you know?
THANK YOU THANK YOU so much for your encouragement, it means the world to me!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🥰💗🌟🔥💪🏼

Allow the unfolding with joyous intent. Trust my reliable nature. Adjust my method(s) as needed. Commit to having fun. All in, all me. BOOBS OUT. And deep bows to my amazing Tribe. I get to choose whatever meaning I want out of any and all of it. How awesome!

I’ got this.

Magnetize Thyself

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“Your vibe attracts your tribe.”

What is my vibe, I wonder? How do others experience me? What moves us each to approach one another?

It’s been six months since I wrote about feeling liberated to be more authentically and fully expressive of my thoughts and observations. I feel freed to take up more space, be all me, all in, whatever I’m doing. As a result, my encounters and interactions with many people, patients especially, are that much deeper and more meaningful. In this time, I also seem to have attracted and strengthened connections with a number of like-minded and like-hearted folks. It feels joyfully cosmic.

I met the team at Ethos Training Systems three years ago, and stayed on their periphery. I officially joined the community this April, moved by some immutable force, and made fast friends with the coaches. I also feel right at home among my gym classmates. I rejoined Instagram a few weeks ago in order to see the workout videos, and found Coach Jacob’s page. To see posts of a thoughtful, generous, humble, and loving young man, or if you just want some uplift one day, hop on over and read his reflections, watch his videos. I learn so much from Jacob, in more domains than fitness. It reinforces for me the value of making friends with people much younger than myself. The generation ‘gap’ invites attention and exploration, an ebullient mutual bridging. I am convinced we each have something important to offer the other.

Last month I reconnected with Steve, one of my favorite people in high school. Looking back, he was one of the first people with whom I could do joyfully deep philosophical banter, and also talk science. He went to college on a physics scholarship, and now flourishes as a tenured philosophy and religion professor. We met for lunch after over 30 years, and it was as if no time had passed. We humans are who we are from a very young age, and we also continually change and evolve throughout our lives. It’s such a lovely paradox, and I’m finding folks left and right who embrace it like I do–the connections reminding me of formative atomic collisions.

Colleague introduced me to Hilary, an energetic and effusive somatic psychotherapist. It took us a while to connect in person, yet we both persisted in the effort. I felt pulled–called to gather with her. We both feel first hand as well as vicariously, the immense pressure and burnout borne by our fellow healthcare workers. We understand intuitively that COVID was just an oceanic tremor; the myriad recurring tsunami waves of consequences are yet to hit, and we brace for it, personally and professionally. Meanwhile, we both ascribe to Isaac Asimov’s words: “I continue to try and I continue, indefatiguably, to reach out. There’s no way I can single-handedly save the world or, perhaps, even make a perceptible difference–but how ashamed I would be to let a day pass without making one more effort. …I have to make my life worthwhile to myself, if to no one else and writing these essays is one of the chief ways I can accomplish this task.” Like me, Hilary sees and feels her potential in multiple domains at once, gets excited about them all, and must self-regulate. She chooses to embark now on a writing journey. I think I was placed on her path to walk in solidarity with her, while we share, support, and learn from each other. We agree to buy Colleague a drink for bringing us together, right here and right now, just when we both needed.

“People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it,” Simon Sinek says. It’s about resonance. My Why grows ever clearer, and I manifest it with increasing power and momentum (and hopefully without too much ego). I am definitely attracting my tribe, finding people with whom my Why vibrates strongly. I compare myself to a magnet more often every month–one with rising energy. The tribe grows, maybe approaching critical mass for effecting positive change through relational leadership. But even if not, the coalescence feels profoundly meaningful.

Useful Repulsion

If I am a magnet, then there are elements (people) I will repel, and/or will repel me. I can name, with some regret, friends who have exited my life. Sometimes my bids for initial connection with people I admire get rejected, which doesn’t feel good. Why don’t they like me? Others approach me, and I feel neither spark nor interest, so I politely keep my distance, eventually falling out of orbit. It’s limbic, visceral, irrational, and organic. I have learned to take it all in stride. Not all friendships, relationships, and connections are meant to be, or to last forever. Neither, though, are separations. You just never know. So I resolve to stay open to shifts in whatever polarities are at play, for repulsion now to become attraction later, and vice versa. Anything is possibile.

I have a few longstanding relationships, however, which I will not exit and that yet feel consistently repulsive in one way or another–dissonant, counter, antithetical. How do I reconcile this? What is the cosmic purpose here? I have decided to see it as a form and source of movement, as with Maglev trains or levitating globes. My counterparts and I, like these magnetic objects, are held in sustained proximity by both attractive and repulsive forces of the relationships themselves, based on the positions and polar orientations of our respective magnets. As a result, I am impelled forward, I like to think in personal growth. Or I’m held in place, suspended in stability within which I may spin and bounce–there is security here, even if movement is restricted in some dimensions. Anyway, it’s a fun and encouraging way to think of myself–as a magnet that naturally both atrracts and repels, creating both potential and kinetic energy.

As I continue to step into and stand straight and strong in my core values and life purpose, I understand and accept that my relationships will self-organize accordingly. As I attract some, I will necessarily repel others. Sometimes the latter is painful. Still, the rewards of magnetizing myself this way far outweigh the costs.