Tag Archives: relationship

On Lifelong Learning

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dsc_0522NaBloPoMo 2016, Letters to Patients, Day 13

To My Patients Who Continue to Teach Me:

I’m a better doctor, a better parent, and a better person for knowing you.  Thank you.

To the middle-aged father of five who told me about my tween son, “Just be present.  Wait for it.  He won’t use many words.  When he starts talking, put down whatever you’re doing and listen.”

To the gifted daycare director and mom of two who advised me to ‘come alongside’ the kids rather than ‘coming at’ them.

To the auntie who reassured me that all will be well if I can hang on and ride the tides of marriage.

To the psychologist who taught me mindfulness in the exam room.

To the creative who showed me that left- and right-brainers overlap more than I realized.

To every patient who loves, hates, adores, vexes, uplifts, frustrates, admires and dismisses me, you each teach me a unique and valuable lesson.

Medicine is not about knowing.  It’s about listening, watching, being, waiting, doing, and holding.

Thank you all for the privilege to learn.

May I serve you well in return.

 

 

On Community

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NaBloPoMo 2016, Letters to Patients, Day 10

To Patients Who Feel Alone Sometimes:

Who holds you up?

Day 2 post-election, it is still positively surreal.  Monday night I saw Facebook friends post passionate, emotional, sometimes desperate pleas, urging their friends to vote one way or another.  I also saw friends acknowledging the long, strange trip, looking forward to the next chapter, expressing both relief and trepidation.  A cloud of separation hung over my heart as I read some of my friends’ words then. 

Something inside urged me to contact a high school classmate.  We did not know each other well back then, and we didn’t always like each other.  But I always felt a mutual respect.  She does not post about politics; I do…a lot.  I know we differ in many of our positions and views.  I also know her to be thoughtful, kind, ethical, and just.  I know she has a lot going on in her life right now.  Our Facebook friendship has grown the past few years, and more and more I feel a cosmic connection.  I am meant to know this person again and better, in this later phase of life.  So I messaged her privately, just to tell her I was thinking of her.  I sent hope, and wishes that we could sit down over tea, somewhere cozy, and share our lives—slowly, thoughtfully, kindly, lovingly.  Turns out my little message helped hold her up yesterday.  On this day of anxiety and tension, hope and uncertainty, this long-distance connection gives me strength and peace.  It reminds me of a recent article by the Dalai Lama on our need to be needed.

I’ve said and written so often that I’m so grateful for my tribe(s), the communities that surround and support me in everything I do.  When I see patients, I make it a point to ask about emotional support networks. They don’t have to be vast or deep.  They just need to be strong and reliable.  No matter what our station, our illness, our cultural origin, or our political leaning, we live longer, healthier, happier, and easier when we connect with others.  It can be many, often, and deep.  It can be few and intermittent.  It just has to be meaningful and enough.

Lastly, supportive relationships function best when they are also reciprocal.  I don’t mean quid pro quo.  I mean mutual, shared, communal, uncalculated support.  I ask patients, “Do you have enough people you know you can turn to, people who will be there for you, in times of personal crisis?”  I want so much for you to answer without hesitation, “Yes, definitely, no question.”  Then I can relax about your health.  You (all) got this.

On Plumbing and Other Disciplines

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NaBloPoMo 2016, Letters to Patients, Day 3

To My Patients With Diverse Occupations:

What a pleasure and an education to know you!

I think none of you are plumbers, though.  But I remember the first time I met a plumber—it was in college, a friend of a friend.  To this day I wonder if he thought I was a little crazy—I grilled him mercilessly about his work.  Was it like “Moonstruck,” is copper really always better?  What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever seen?  What do you need to know, is there plumbing school?  How do you know when you can’t do a job?  What equipment do you carry around?

I have only ever known medicine, you see.  I resisted at first—so typical, the Chinese kid who wants to be a doctor.  But then I volunteered to be a health aide in college—I got to move into the dorm a week early that way.  And it was inevitable, I was hooked!  So I went ‘straight through,’ as they say—biology/pre-med, no gap years, no real life working experience before medical school.

Traders, dog trainers, book editors, retail managers, accountants, nurses, call center agents, firefighters, small business owners, truck drivers, professors, musicians, actuaries—you all have such interesting lives!  One of my favorite parts of the history is when I get to hear what you do for a living, because it’s so different from my own.  So please be patient when I interrogate you about your work, I’m just so curious!  How do you spend your days?  What makes a great day for you?  What makes it hard?  What are the greatest sources of stress and meaning in your work/career/vocation?  What do you love about it?  Would you choose it again?

This curiosity stems from my deep desire to relate.  In your work, people probably present you with problems.  You apply specific expertise to diagnose the underlying condition.  You determine the most appropriate or attainable solution, and map out a path to achieve it.  You take some responsibility for the result, while recognizing that your coworkers must also participate fully for the team to succeed.  On your best days, the collaborative effort yields not only the desired outcome, but also a deepened connection between people.  It’s not so different for me.

It’s easy to perceive a distance between you and me, between patients and physicians.  Medicine can seem elitist sometimes, what with the onerous entrance exams, the stiff competition for school admission, and the prolonged and grueling training.  But in the end I bet we share more experiences than we realize.  I’m just here to use my little heap of knowledge and skills to help others, and I know that’s what you do, too.