Bit Post: Resting Peace Face

Posted on January 13, 2024 by Catherine Cheng, MD

On the sidewalk
In the hospital
At the mall
In the grocery store aisle

In the elevator
At the dentist’s office
In the waiting room
Standing in line

Making eye contact
Ready to smile wide
At the cute baby
And their exhausted and attentive mama

Inviting greetings
Inciting connection
Noticed for how different
It feels to see and be seen

In a world that can feel so cold
So distant, lonely, and isolating

The Resting Peace Face
Our peaceful presence
In any space, among any humans
Could mean more than we can imagine

Been basking in the love of friends and books lately.
Walking around with a noticeable half smile, even more than usual.
Waving every day to the crossing guard by Daughter’s school, and the homeless dude by Lake Shore Drive.
Just *feelin‘* it, y’all–reveling, soaking it up.

Not sure if smiling can actually beget happiness
Or if it’s only the other way around.
Does it matter?
How can we get more of it all, regardless?

I know that when someone smiles at me, I automatically smile back, and it feels good.
So why not do the world around me this little bit of good, wherever I am?
Costs me nothing.
And I (we all?) gain so, so much.

Onward, my friends. Life is short. Connect and heal.
One smiling Peace Face encounter at a time.

Be Myself, Change Myself, Be the Change

Posted on January 7, 2024 by Catherine Cheng, MD

We are who we are from a very early age, maybe even before we are born. AND, we also constantly evolve throughout our lives.

This is one of my favorite paradoxes.

Image shared on Instagram–one of my favorite quotes

I’m thinking a lot lately about Outer Peace. Our world swirls and bubbles with chaos and toxicity, so many psyches apparently living on the knife edge between tolerance and breakage, between breathing and screaming. How often are we tempted to yell, kick, throw things, or simply stop whatever we’re doing and just cry a while? How do we hold it together and simply function ourselves, much less help anybody else, and/or make any positive difference in the universe?

The longer I live the more I (re)learn that it’s about core values, goals, and trade offs, and not ego. Change is not about fighting. It’s Inner Peace in service of Outer Peace.

“Yesterday I was clever,” I knew better than everybody else. I was smart, and I wanted to show it. I came at rather than coming alongside, made simple and superficial assumptions, jumped to (often wrong) conclusions. This part of the quote expresses the necessary adolescence that we all go through in life–personal, social, and professional–the ‘know it all’ phase that our elders tolerate knowingly because their own elders did the same for them. Impetuous and defiant confidence, disregarding boundaries, testing and finding limits and resonances, if only subconsciously and often painfully. It is the organic growth and pruning of youth to early adulthood. If we’re lucky, we have mentors to guide us, helping us navigate the morass with fewer mental, emotional, and spiritual nicks, bruises, and fractures.

“…so I wanted to change the world.” Because it *should* all be a certain way, the way I think, because I know what’s right. Those who agree with me are my friends; those who don’t are not. I’m oversimplifying. But this is not far from a persistent mindset reality in our social groups well past physiologic adolescence, and not least among those who determine and enforce policy. Change the world how? According to my own world view and life philosophy, however rigid, narrow, and closed. I wonder about the (inverse?) correlation between how tightly we hold onto our rigidities and how far we have traveled, how diverse our experience, how many different cultures and realities we truly understand and empathize with? I submit that if we are honestly paying attention, if we open our eyes, minds, and hearts to the depth and breadth of any given human’s life experience, it instantly puts our all-knowing and arrogant ego in its place, which is at the back of the ‘world change’ bus.

“Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” I am still clever–perhaps ever more so with age. With wisdom, however, I apply my cleverness in a different, more mindful, relationally intelligent way. I realize that power to change is not power over, it is power to. Strong arming (which includes coercing and shaming) rarely creates lasting, meaningful change, at least not without deep human cost. When I look inward first, seeing how I myself relate to and connect with that which I wish to change, therein lies my strength. I approach any problem from an ultimately human and humane perspective, which makes me more credible, more creative, more holistic in my problem solving. This is a big ask, requiring vulnerability and a willingness to step ‘way outside of my comfort zones. How does this give me any kind of peace? Don’t I risk losing myself, my identity entirely, when I make such daring attempts at real inclusiveness?

Who am I, that I can withstand this broadening, this profound stretching of perspective?

I am clear. I am centered. I am grounded, focused, and engaged–in my Why, in my Just Cause, in my commitment to playing the infinite game of human relationship and connection as long as I possibly can. To be me, my Best Self, means constantly evolving through lived experience, while hewing closely to my core values of honesty, integrity, curiosity, humility, generosity, and kindness. My inner peace comes from knowing, at the end of each day, that I did my best to show up this way, even when it was hard.

It’s hard when I’m attacked, dismissed, or rejected for asking open, honest questions, for challenging social norms and ‘the way we do things,’ for facing and abutting over and over the rigid, the narrow, the closed. It’s hard when I discover my own rigidity, narrowness, and closures–oh man, that is tough to take. And the practices bring me back; they de-escalate, defuse, disarm, and rejuvenate: Breath. Mindfulness. Writing. Talking. Connection.

Inner Peace may not come immediately or even for a while after a disruption. But it does come, and each training episode strengthens my skills. The peace I eventually feel, then, grows and deepens; it integrates synergistically. It cannot help but then exude, at least while it lasts, until the next trial. Intervals between trials lengthen because what disrupted my peace last year rolls off of my consciousness today. Episodes shorten as I am able to breathe and regulate through them more effectively and efficiently. I become elastic, supple–strong and soft. My peace grows, and I grow with it, as does my capacity to share it.

I am me this whole time, learning, practicing, training, ad infinitum. I am me, rooted while growing. I am me, the change I wish to see in the world.

2023-2024: Reflections, Connections, and Aspirations (and Books, of course)

Posted on December 31, 2023 by Catherine Cheng, MD

*sigh* *smile* *silence*

How do you feel tonight, friends? What are your body sensations? How is your energy, your mood, your sense of well-being? What does turning a new Gregorian calendar year mean to you? Usually it’s meh for me. But this year feels very different. Looking back on this blog for the past two years, I read it, remember it, relive it: Transformation.

When Son’s college search and launch voyage began in the summer of 2021, my own self-reflection journey intensified. Spontaneously asking his classmates’ parents and then myself, “What do we most want our kids to learn in college? What are the most important life skills?” instigated the yet ongoing exploration of what I now think of as the three reciprocal tenets of well-being: Self-awareness, self-regulation, and effective communication. NaBloPoMo 2021 saw me reviewing practices in those arenas that I strive to model for Son and Daughter. 2022 posts reflect further processing, culminating in a NaBloPoMo with the highest density of personally meaningful posts of any November yet. This year certain concepts saturated, condensed, and distilled in my psyche, and I shared those posts most frequently with patients and friends: Owning my sh*t, standing in my strengths, leading vs lagging indicators of health, and immersing in community.

Repeatedly here on the blog and every day in real life this year, I struggle to find good enough words to express my gratitude, amazement, and utter dumbstruck astonishment at my good fortune to have found Ethos and Shaneiaks, two tribes without whom I honestly think I would not have the audacity to undertake my Big Fat Hairy Goal of writing and publishing the book for which I started this blog in the first place, 8.6 years ago. It’s about time, don’t you think? And yet, it has taken this long. 2023 gave me the synergistic swell of connection, courage, and exposure to makers that has finally ignited my book writing booster engines!

I wrote last week about my back pain and how I attribute it to certain mental stressors. It all continues to evolve. My addendum tonight: It’s the tension between a relentless desire to write this book and share everything I have in my mind and heart, and the profound fear of doing so. That internal tug of war makes me positively squirrelly right now–I’m doing anything but sitting down to write book words and my back is still tight. HOW FASCINATING, where my body puts that ambivalence! Write (HA! unconscious word substitution! I think I will leave it. 😉 ) at my center of gravity, perhaps, where my body folds, hinges, carries. What’s the most useful story I can tell about this, I wonder?

Normally I prefer to sleep through and ignore New Years, but this year I think I may try to leverage it. The idea of resolutions grates me, and I can still meditate and act on meaning, purpose, journey, and goals for 2024. That means stop farting around and procrastinating. As my wise friend lovingly and gently nudged me recently, between thinking/knowing and waiting for that to translate to feeling/inspiration, there is doing. Butt in chair, 500 words at a time. Or 50. Whatever, anything counts. I cannot edit what I have not written. There is a balance between harsh, rigid, self-imposed pressure and lackadaisical excuse making. Perhaps I have leaned too much toward the latter until now? Or maybe it’s all just part of the process? Whatever! How fascinating!

Table of Contents by end of January. Two or three sample chapters by end of February. Proposal and pitch by end of March. Queries by end of April. Quiet, centered, grounded, loving, fun writing. The more I can feel deeply and effusively my own message as the words emerge, the more likely readers will feel it, too. And that is the goal–for readers to feel seen, understood, loved, inspired, and empowered. That I stand alongside them aspiring, practicing owning our sh*t, standing in our strengths, and thickening our ties to the tribes and causes that matter most to us, to be and make our best contributions. When I get quiet, calm, and loving, it all flows so easily. So this may be the year to adopt a formal sitting meditation practice, too–a sister discipline of calm and quiet, in service of the BFHG. Let’s see what happens, ya? :D

Thank you all for the time you take to read this blog. I appreciate the engagement, exchange, and encouragement. I found myself writing to so many people today, expressing gratitude more than anything else. May we harness all of our best learnings and wisdom to date and apply them with humility, generosity, and love in 2024 and beyond, all for connection and healing. Big love and light to all, and may this new year bring all good things!

___

Books and Media 2023

The romance immersion continues, full swing, with no signs of stopping. I am registered to attend and volunteer at Readers Take Denver this April, my first ever romance book convention. I will meet many of my new Shaneiak friends there (met two in person already, with another date scheduled in a couple weeks!), and I cannot wait. Shane will be there, too; Shaneiak Friend Heather has already agreed to stand next to me, stroking my arm, calming me down so I may resist the urge to tackle hug him to the point of cracked ribs. Good luck to her!

I began 193 titles this year, some in repeat. Bolded titles below are my favorites; bracketted are unfinished. Closed brackets indicate low likelihood of completion; open brackets are books currently in progress. I still like listening much more than reading, especially while making cards, cooking, cleaning, driving. In 2024 I can trade some social media for eyeball reading, perhaps. So many possibilities! Onward in verbal joy and learning!

Books